Willow had, as usual, risen before the sun and was now seated at the edge of a small pond that was part of the hotel grounds. Closing her eyes, she took several deep breaths to clear her mind then once again offered silent prayers to Theia, Eos, and Hecate thanking them for their assistance and asking for their continued guidance. Once her prayers were finished, she opened her eyes and looked across the pond allowing her thoughts to drift.
They were leaving for England in a few short hours and Willow still wasn't sure if Tara would be joining them. Willow felt completely out of the loop. They'd been in the hotel for almost a week and everyone else seemed to be adjusting. They laughed and joked and talked easily with one another. Willow just couldn't get in the groove of things, she was too much inside her head trying to figure out how to convince Tara to come with them. Willow sighed as she thought about the past week.
When she and Buffy had taken Tara shopping, Tara had been like a kid on Christmas morning. Well, what she imagined a kid on Christmas morning would be like since, hey, still Jewish. Willow had noticed, as Tara tried on clothes, that while Tara was still on the thin side her soft curves were coming back and the haunted look in her eyes was there less frequently. After the shopping spree, the girls had treated themselves to a day of pampering at a spa; hair cuts, highlights, mud baths, massages, facials, seaweed wraps, manicures and pedicures left all three girls relaxed and content. After the one bad moment in the limo, the three girls had completely enjoyed their day together, talking about nothing really and giggling about it.
After that second day, though, Willow had lost her way somehow. Buffy, after much discussion and arguing, had gone with Angel to check on things in Los Angeles, “just in case there's trouble. No more super strength for Angel could mean badness if he runs into the wrong person,” had been the official reason but when they returned yesterday, it was apparent that something had changed between them while they were in L.A. A small smile spread across Willow's face. She was happy Buffy and Angel seemed to be finding their way back to each other. There had been a few tense moments when the wrong thing was said but they seemed to shrug it off and move on. That they were falling in love with each other again was obvious to anyone with eyes. And, if she were being honest with herself, Willow was jealous. Just a little. Their connection seemed so easy and she wondered why it was so hard for her and Tara. Despite her conversation with Buffy the night before, she knew there was more to it than just the differences in their histories. And it had to be more than just one nightmare.
She felt someone coming up behind her and knew by the way her skin was humming that it had to be Tara.
“Can we talk?” came the soft request.
Willow turned her head and smiled at the beautiful blonde she still adored. “Of course,” she replied, indicating Tara should join her.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Tara woke again as Willow slipped out of the room next door. Tara had partaken of Willow's morning ritual every day, watching from the balcony as the redhead grew calm and serene, the sun creeping over the horizon. Willow had been so open and honest that Tara could definitely see the girl she'd loved in the woman she'd become. Her heart still skipped a beat when Willow smiled at her. It was the same smile it had always been.
Getting out of bed, quietly so as not to wake Angel, she went into the little kitchenette to complete what had become her morning routine. She fixed herself a cup of tea, feeding Miss Kitty while waiting for it to steep. Taking the tea to the balcony, she sat quietly watching the sunrise. As the sun came over the horizon, she once again spotted Willow and the sight took Tara's breath away. Willow was seated at the edge of the pond, as always, but the sunlight glinting off her new highlights and the aura of complete serenity surrounding her was a sight Tara would never get tired of. Tara continued to watch Willow in spite of the fact that Willow wasn't actually doing anything but sitting quietly, seemingly enjoying the peace and quiet of the early morning.
Buffy and Angel were falling in love, that much was obvious. Why was it so easy for them and so difficult for her and Willow? Tara knew the answer: it was her. She was holding back, not giving Willow a way in. She was afraid to love Willow again. Not that she had a choice in that; she was already in love with the woman but she was afraid to let it be what it was. She was afraid of the majick use. Willow had killed a man in vengeance over Tara's death. Tara wasn't sure how she felt about that. When Tara had talked to Angel last night, he had hit upon the real reason. She was less afraid of Willow than she was of losing Willow again. She knew Willow loved her but Tara was afraid she was no longer good enough for Willow. What if . . . 'No,' she thought, 'no more what if. What is,' she reminded herself. 'And what is, is that I still love her.' Angel had been right. She knew what she wanted and knew what she had to do, now she just had to do it.
Tara sighed. They were leaving for England this morning and she still didn't know what she was going to do. No, that wasn't exactly true. She had told Giles last night that she'd be joining them to see Dawn if nothing else. Once there, she'd have to decide on whether she was staying or not. As she looked at Willow, Tara made up her mind. She'd go talk to Willow. Really talk to her, not the perfunctory conversations they'd been having. Tara had said they'd start again as friends but she had to admit that she hadn't made it very easy for Willow to start again. She had thrown up barriers and avoided Willow for the past two days. If she wanted to find her way back to Willow, she'd have to take a leap of faith and trust Willow. At least, trust her enough to get to know her again.
She dressed quickly and quietly, smiling as she pulled a blue t-shirt over her head. Willow had chosen this one because, she said, it matched the color of Tara's eyes. That day had been so wonderful. Buffy and Willow had taken her shopping and promised when they go to England, they'd have a bonfire and burn all of Tara's old clothing. The trip to the spa had been a surprise and a treat. Her hair was back to its normal shiny, soft self; her skin felt gloriously soft and her nails, both finger and toe, were no longer rough and jagged. She actually felt, well, like a woman again.
She closed the door silently behind her and walked toward the pond. She knew Willow was aware of her approach, she saw the change in Willow's aura. It went from serene to guarded. This wasn't going to be easy. 'Nothing worth having or doing ever is,' she thought.
“Can we talk?” she asked softly, knowing Willow knew she was there, but not wanting to break the peace.
Tara's breath caught as Willow turned her head and smiled. “Of course,” she said and patted the ground next to her.
Tara sat down, her body half turned toward the pond, half toward Willow.
“What's up?” Willow asked her, the smile had changed and was less breathtaking and more nervous.
“Will . . .” Tara started, unsure how to proceed. She gnawed her lower lip looking for the right words, not even sure what she wanted to say.
Willow turned to face her, the smile changing again, this time less nervous and more encouraging. “Hey, whatever it is, I'm sure we can figure it out, okay?”
Tara nodded. “Okay. Here's the thing, I-I s-said we should start over as f-friends and we should. Thing is, I haven't been very friendly.” She looked at Willow who nodded and kept smiling, encouraging her to continue. Tara smiled back and took Willow's hand. She could feel the power Willow had and, even though she knew Giles, Buffy and Xander all said she had it under control and Willow said she had it under control, Tara was still nervous about that kind of power. She held onto Willow's hand as she started again. “I've been too afraid to let you in, to talk to you. I'm still kind of afraid “ of your power and what you're capable of, and if I'm going to be good enough for you . . .”
“Wait,” Willow interrupted her. “What do you mean, 'good enough'? Of course you're good enough. You've never been anything but good enough, if not even better. We've had this argument, remember? Where you fit when I get so powerful . . . is right by my side. Always.” Willow looked seriously at the blonde and Tara had no doubt Willow meant every word.
Looking intently into Willow's eyes she said softly, “I want to trust you again, I want us back. The us we were before that bullet shattered more than the window.”
“You mean . . .” Willow asked without asking a question.
“I mean. Okay?” Tara smiled. The words were the same as they'd been all those years ago but their roles were reversed. “I want to come to England, Willow. Not just to visit Dawn. Can we “ do you think we can find each other again?”
Willow took her free hand and gently cupped Tara's cheek. “I will always find you.”
Tara leaned into Willow's hand and smiled. “Then I'm going to try to stand still so it's easier.”
Willow grinned. “Deal.”
They sat there for several moments, simply looking at each other and talking without words, until Tara's stomach growled in protest and she blushed.
Willow giggled, “Breakfast?”
Tara nodded and the two girls stood up and headed back into the hotel to rouse the others, get something to eat and head for home.
*~*~**~*~*~*~*~~*~*