She could hear them talking, thinking she was asleep. ‘As if,’ she thought.
“I’m scared Buff. She was screaming in her sleep. When she woke up, she clung to me like a life preserver.” Xander’s voice was low but Willow could hear the worry in his voice.
“I know. These dreams are getting to her. Huge. I don’t know what to do. She’s going to talk to Terese at the coven next week but I’m not so sure she’ll be able to hold onto her sanity that long. She didn’t eat at dinner, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t eat at all yesterday either.”
Willow got out of bed and walked to the door. It was just Buffy and Xander. ‘Thank the Goddess.’ She cleared her throat, “Uh, guys , I’m not sleeping and I can hear you. Umm . . . come on in. I have to talk to you about the last dream . . . err . . . nightmare.”
Buffy and Xander followed her into the room and they all sat on the bed.
“Where’s Kennedy?”
“Downstairs talking to Faith. She said she’d be up in awhile,” Buffy answered.
“Ok, good.” Willow took a deep breath before starting. “This one started the same as all the others; Tara, chanting, invoking the Goddesses Iris and Juno. But then it, I dunno, changed. I was at the high school - the new one, not the one we blew up - and it was all rubbly and stuff. And I could see the Hellmouth. And I knew I was dreaming, but I was still scared. I walked through the school . . .” Willow trailed off as tears threatened to overtake her. Taking a deep breath, she continued, “I walked toward the Atrium . . . you know . . . where Dawn and Xander were fighting and, I saw them . . . ” Willow had to stop again, the vision was still too real.
Buffy and Xander looked at her expectantly but neither of them pushed her. She took several more deep breaths and looked at them. Buffy reached out and held onto Willow’s hand. Willow could feel Buffy’s strength; feel Buffy willing her forward. She looked at Buffy and said, “actually, I found what was left of Xander and Dawn
. . .” she felt Buffy flinch and heard a sharp intake of breath from Xander.
“Ok, Will, but it’s just a dream. Xander is here. Dawn is here. They’re both fine.”
“I know but I don’t know, you know? It’s like watching a movie about a true story . . . you know some stuff is ‘dramatized’ but the overall story is true. I’m thinking . . . in Tara’s world “ in my dream of Tara’s world “ the First won.” Willow sighed and closed her eyes. “I’m just so tired. I can’t unjumble my thoughts, my head is all fuzzy and I just can’t think.” She ignored the few tears that slid down her cheek.
Xander and Buffy both looked at her. She could tell they didn’t know what to say and she was out of words. “I just don’t know anymore. What’s real . . .”
“Okay, Will, try to get some rest. Tomorrow we’ll talk to Giles. I didn’t get a chance to do that today but we’ll get to the bottom of this. Maybe it’s a spell or a curse or something. I don’t know. What I do know is that you need sleep before you completely shut down.”
“I know you’re right. I’m just afraid to close my eyes.”
“What’s going on, Willow?” Kennedy asked as she walked into the room on Willow’s last sentence.
Buffy looked at Xander and Willow heard the unspoken “let’s go” between them. “Will, get some rest and we’ll see you in the morning.” Xander kissed the top of her head and Buffy squeezed her hand. They headed out of the bedroom, leaving Willow alone with Kennedy.
“So, what’s going on?” Kennedy asked again.
“Can we talk in the morning? I’m really beat,” Willow asked, not wanting to have this conversation right now. She was too tired and didn’t think she could handle hurting Kennedy and she didn’t want to hurt anymore than she already was. Even though she knew it was over, she still - well, didn’t love her - felt close to Kennedy. She still had warm feelings toward her, was still attracted to her, even. But it was unfair to hang onto her when it wasn’t right . . . for either of them anymore.
“Sure, hon, whatever you want. Are you coming to bed?” Kennedy asked, letting the subject drop much to Willow's relief.
“Yeah. I just want to brush my teeth.” Willow stepped into the bathroom, brushed her teeth, and washed her face. She looked half-dead, paler than usual with dark circles under her eyes. Dreamless sleep - lots of it - was called for.
Kennedy stepped in and began brushing her teeth. Willow was grateful to notice that she was wearing a long jersey instead of something provocative. She walked back into the bedroom and got under the blankets.
Kennedy came out and joined her a moment later. “Come here,” Kennedy said as she climbed into bed.
Willow hesitated, not wanting to send Kennedy mixed messages.
“Come on,” Kennedy said, as if sensing Willow’s hesitation. “I’ll keep the bogeyman out so you can get some sleep.”
Willow didn’t resist. She didn’t want to use Kennedy, but she was too tired to argue. ‘And you’re hoping she’ll actually keep the bogeyman at bay,’ Willow thought honestly to herself. ‘Duh,’ she thought. ‘Of course I do. I’ve always been safe with Kennedy; she always made sure of that.’ She snuggled up against Kennedy and felt the strength and warmth as Kennedy’s arms circled her. “Thank you,” she said softly.
Kennedy placed a soft kiss on the top of Willow’s head. “You’re welcome,” Willow heard Kennedy's soft whisper as she drifted off to sleep in the safety of Kennedy’s arms.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“You promised you’d always find me.”
Willow woke with a start and looked around. The clock told her she had slept for four hours. ‘It’s a record,’ she thought wryly. She quietly disentangled herself from Kennedy and slipped from the bed. Padding toward the window, she curled up in the papa-san chair she had insisted on buying. It reminded her of Sunnydale. The one she had moved from her room at home to her dorm room to the room she shared with Tara at Buffy’s and finally into Buffy’s old room after Tara died. The chair comforted her. As she stared out into the dark night, she thought about Tara. Thought about what promise she was supposed to keep. Her head, while not clear, wasn’t as fuzzy as before. She let thoughts of Tara wash over her. Tara’s shyness when they first met, the fact that Tara recognized Willow’s power before Willow even knew she had it. Tara’s smile “ the one she saved just for Willow. The moments when Tara would look at her and for just that moment she was wonderful. That last thought reminded her of the rampage she went on after Tara’s death. She remembered telling Buffy that “Willow was a loser and always had been.” Tara’s love had changed that. The ache of longing threatened to overcome her and she felt the tears well up in her eyes. ‘Goddess, I still miss her so much every day,’ she thought.
“Willow,” Kennedy called out, her voice still full of sleep.
“I’m over here, sweetie,” Willow said softly.
Willow heard Kennedy get out of bed and walk toward her. Sitting on the ottoman by Willow’s feet, Kennedy looked at Willow for a long moment. The sadness in Kennedy’s eyes made Willow's stomach hurt.
“You okay?” Kennedy asked, eyes and voice full of concern.
“Yeah. Of course,” Willow responded automatically
“No, you’re not. Willow, I’m not blind,” Kennedy said, a little too loudly.
“Um . . . you’re right, I guess . . .”
“And?” Kennedy insisted, letting Willow know that now was the time for the talking.
“I’ve been having . . .” Willow hesitated not sure she should, or wanted to, share her nightmares with Kennedy. The complete wrongness of that thought made Willow want to cry. She liked that Kennedy was tough and protected her from the bogeyman but Willow missed the intimacy of sharing her every thought and feeling with someone. The way she'd done with Tara. It bothered Willow how little she knew about Kennedy's life but it bothered her more how little Kennedy knew about Willow's own life. Kennedy knew so little about Tara and nothing at all about Oz. It baffled her completely that their relationship, such as it was, had lasted a year cruising along on physical intimacy without either of them really touching the other.
“I know,” Kennedy said looking deep into Willow’s eyes, resignation written all over her face.
“How?” Willow was confused. She knew neither Buffy nor Xander would have said anything to Kennedy about the Taramares.
“Will, I sleep in the same room, in the same bed. I’ve heard you call out her name. I heard you again today when I found you in the bathtub. You’re having some kind of dreams or something.”
The tears sprang unbidden, flowing freely down the redhead's face. Kennedy was hurting and Willow knew it was her fault.
“Shhhh . . . no, honey, don’t.” Kennedy leaned forward and held Willow. “Hey, look, it’s going to be okay. I promise. We’re still friends. And I’ll always be here if you need me. Well, I’ll be available, anyway. Faith asked me to go to Cleveland with her. I told her I’d let her know. I think I’m going to go . . . ”
Knowing it was for the best, Willow still felt she had to offer up an argument. “Kennedy, I don’t want you to feel you have to run away. This is your home, too.”
“No, Willow, it’s not. My home is half a world away. I’m not much for researching and bookwork stuff. I need to be in the thick of it. The Hellmouth in Cleveland has gotten way active. Faith is going instead of Buffy and she asked me to join her, Rona and Vi. I think it’ll be cool. I’m not running away, I’m just training. You know, getting some experience and stuff.”
Willow nodded sadly in acceptance. She felt worse than she'd thought possible. She'd hurt Kennedy and there was nothing she could say or do to unhurt her.
“I was thinking . . . umm . . . I’m going to move into one of the spare rooms until we leave,” Kennedy said hesitantly “ perhaps the first time in her life she'd ever been uncertain about anything.
Panicked, Willow protested, “No! No, please, until you go? I know I’m being really selfish asking but I’m asking anyway.”
“But . . .”
“Kennedy this is the first time . . . I mean not this but a few minutes ago . . . it’s the first time I’ve gotten any sleep. You kept the bogeyman away. Stay? Please?” Willow was pleading with Kennedy, terrified of being alone, even though she knew it would be easier for Kennedy to just go. She felt guilty for using Kennedy like this but was also too afraid of spending the rest of the night alone to let her go.
Kennedy smiled sadly and kissed her forehead. “Sure, of course I’ll stay with you until we leave. Even if it only helps a little, it’s better than nothing. And you did sleep a little longer tonight.” She stood up and offered Willow her hand. “Now, come on back to bed. Let’s see if we can’t keep the bogeyman away a little longer.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~