----------------------------------------Go with the flow ~ Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I make no money with it. Don´t sue me, please. Thank you!

A/N: SS/HG! Don´t like don´t read, ok? Enjoy the story, altough it may seem a bit weird at times.

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To the unwelcome reader of this diary:

I like to learn, to read to study, if that is wrong, call my buddy, if that is right, well I don´t mind!

I´m not a poet, that´s my luck so back off, if you think I suck stop reading about me, for I am only Hermione!

Rhymes are my passion, but I also like a study session, the things I hate, the things I love, are not so different from above.

One day I´m gonna be a star, in Wizardry and that won´t be far, so if you hate me, run away, too knowing I´ll be someday!

And if you´re reading this, beware! Go ahead and you´ll lose your hair.

too smart I am to leave my precious diary unguarded. so keep out, for it is warded

Begone from my personal thoughts or you´ll regret it afterwards!!

I may be mad, insane and completly nutters but hey do you think that really matters? It may be a hindrance to my sociability sometimes it´s hard to be like me.

After that is cleared my precious, I´ll take the freedom of introducing myself. My name is Hermione Granger, I am eightteen years old and have no clue of what to do. I just finished school (Hogwarts) and I did fairly well. Ok, I broke the record and am now in Hogwarts a still biased and one sided history to tell the truth, but then the truth is too complex to be merely told, isn´t it? Anyway I hope that confiding into you helps me coping with various problems. That´s what the shrinks said at St. Mungus and I trust them to know about such things. Of course I could get up and leave this horrible two room apartment to look it up for myself, but I can´t. I´m still unsure about going out and things, so staying is the only real option.

Do you know that I could make my memories alive for a person who lives let´s say fifty years after me? I recently found the spell Tom Riddle used, but it drains away the life energy of the reader and we wouldn´t want that. So I restrict myself to using a couple of curses that make the unwelcomed reader wish never to have touched it. I hope that we get along well, but you have to tell me your true opinions, because liars make me feel uneasy about certain things. Well then, cheers to a good co-operation!

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A/N: Yes, that sounds a bit schizophrenic, I know. But hey, what would the world be without all the nutcases no one is willing to talk to? And remember it is a thin line between genius and insanitiy! Besides Hermione really has to cope, believe me. Why? Just read the next chapter and find out! If you want me to continue I strongly advise you to use the button below and review. Thanks for taking the time and reading this.

A/N: This is the diary of Hermione´s way back to sanity. She´s come a long way up from the road to Nutsville, and it wasn´t exactly pleasant...

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-----------------------Go with the flow

-----------------------The Past ~~

Hi my precious,

Just sent away my application to any wizard university on this whole goddamn planet. One would think that for a witch of my potential they´d queue up for me, but nope. Not a single owl has been sent to me, I have to do all the work myself. Knowing that I´ll be accepted anyway does not minimize my disgust. At a muggle university I would be welcomed even if I hadn´t known the university exsisted! Damn!!!

Yeah, I know you´re right. I am stuck up, convinced of my very high intellect, conceited and arrogant. What can I say other than: "Hell yeah, and I love it!!" After all my discoveries have helped bringing Voldemort down! Ok, so I didn´t like being stuck in a dungeon with Snape for several months, but the outcome was worth it, believe me.

Our potion trapped the very essence of Voldemort´s being, not his soul since he (he? it? don´t ask me) abandoned that for immortality a long time ago, but the evil core. And Harry Potter destroyed it!

GO HARRY!! GO HARRY!! GO HARRY !! GO HARRY!! GO HARRY!! GO HARRY!! GO HARRY!!

Yes, precious, and this is exactly the reason why I didn´t go to University straight away. There was this war (such a petty thing to say "this war") with Voldemort. Maybe I got a little knack from hanging around in the dungeons and being afraid of Snape and anxious about my parents, friends and the world in general. Or on the brink of madness because of the Newts.

But I think Snape just did the thing. My therapist says in a few months I´ll have gotten over the shock over Ron´s and the whole Weaslyfamily´s near death experience, since they now are all leading happy, healthy, and successful lives.

The shrink also says I hadn´t cried enough or let off steam in any other way, so he prescribed me diary writing and full contact Taek-won Do. And what can I say other than: "I love it!"

So here I am wrestling with insanity while writing to you. Tell me if start laughing like "mwuahahahaha" for no other reason than me wanting ransom for not firing a dangerous new weapon and destroying the earth. Oh, the James Bond movies have influenced me as well, there can´t be a better career for a witch, can there? But it would be very hard to get a volontary date, so maybe supervillain isn´t an option.

Did you know Snape does not wash his hair with normal shampoo (or whatever potions wizards use). No, he takes a potion for dry scalp!!!! Can you imagine this? I would have laughed about it, if it wasn´t for Neville being held by Deatheaters. Snape got him out so I think the ridicule is somewhat diminished.

Oh, I have to go, I´m meeting with Ginny in half an hour. Yes, I am able to visit my friends again, thanks to the floonetwork. They haven´t given me my wand back yet (yes, it´s scheduled for next week) and my apparation licensce is still not valid. But hey I´ll cope, I always do? (oh sweet irony)

See you, precious, don´t be jealous you´ll still be the only one knowing my innermost secrets.

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Hi precious!

Just came back from Ginny´s place. Guess what, Ginny complimented my looks. She said I looked good. Ok, now you have to understand that I stopped washing myself in the last month of the war. It seemed such a petty thing to do, me enjoing a shower while others suffered and died. So I had very filthy hair for two months and I didn´t smell very nice. But I just rediscovered the joys of being without fleas again! And so did my suroundings.

Of course I had to burn my clothes, cut my hair and go to the dermatologist to get rid off that nasty rash. But it´s gone now and I was lucky that there are no scars in my face left.

I haven´t seen either Ron or Harry for two weeks now, I guess they´ll be surprised that I look human again. And that I´ve stopped laughing madly for no apparent reason. Maybe I had a problem. I think I did.

Anyway, what do you think ? Am I mad? Did I break under the enormous pressure and the constant fear? I mean it was hard, but I thought I was harder than the rest, doing what had to be done without wasting time for tears or sorrow. The sooner it was stopped the better, was it not?

Oh, I still have to tell you something. I lost my virginity during that time. To Snape to be exact. It was no love on either side, more like mutual respect. And the sharing of the worst months of my live (he´s probably gone through worse), it seemed like a good way to take our minds off the war.

At that time I still cried. But I got rid off the habit when he was away. I was in total controll of my work and my feelings, the only logic thing to do. I did what was necessary. I have not had sex since then, my therapist says it´s important for my recovering to see Snape again. He says there should be two or three sessions with Snape´s prescence.

Ron and Harry should come too at some point, for they could show me ways out of my emotional stress. They coped with it better, since they tracked down every single Death Eater and put them all into Azkaban. Then they killed off every Dementor that had helped Voldemort and founded a foundation ( what a choice of words) for the victims and their relations.

After that they had therapy for a month, anger management training and long exhaustive Quidditch sessions. And they visited me at St. Mungo´s.

They are such nice boys. Hey, maybe that´s the reason no University wanted me, who wants a madwoman any way?

The doctors said I had developed some neurosises, but thanks to a very new procedure I´ll be as mentally healthy as before.

And they also told me that I´m doing better than expected. So I´ll be back to full action in less than a year.

Gods, I do sound insane, don´t I? I hate the look people give me when I make a joke. They think I mean it. That´s a bit annoying, I considered tatooing "JUST KIDDING" on my forehead. That would probably do the trick, wouldn´t it?

Ginny said that I have changed in a good way. Still a knowing all but as weird as after the war. Just a bit eccentric and hiding my intelligence not good enough for people to like me. She said I had to learn the fine art of lying and being charming anew.

"That won´t be a problem, Hermione, since you look absolutly charming and I am going to help you!" That were her exact words. She is going to give me acting lessons. Ginny is now an actress, you know. She really knows the trick and I do tend to be a little open about my opinions. Now that I have people to talk to again, I shouldn´t piss them off anymore.

Ok, write you later, I am going to take a nice long bath now

Bye Hermione

Hey precious,

Another day in sanity. I hope, at least. It´s a weird feeling, to know you were insane. Everybody looks at you strangely, every remark you make is contemplated closely, just in case you lose your mind again. Everybody stares at you, just because you used a simple spell.

Right oh, I got my wand back! The shrink said that I wasn´t allowed to do spells above OWL-level, because the department of illegal use of magic is breathing down on my neck. Oh yeah, my famed skills and mind are watched and observed. Closely, I dare say again. Damn, I can´t even object.

I shouldn´t have lost my mind so much over the things that happened. That is what everyone thinks. After all, what´s so horrible about being safely locked up in Hogwarts and researching while everyone else risks their neck in the field? I see it in their eyes, in the way they talk to me. The shrink does it, the nurses, sometimes even Ginny.

I can´t blame them, but after all they are not allowed to know. To know that I was there with Snape and Pomfrey, examining every damn corpse, looking for clues against the damn killing curse. Searching for hints and traces of new potions, cutting into the flesh of people I grew up with, I heard about, I never saw in my whole life. I know now that I´m no forensic doctor material.

Why hadn´t I told them? Well, firstly because I shouldn´t have been there. At all. Dumbledore thought my skills and talents would be helpful and I was proud about this. Too proud, I admit. A barely eighteen year old girl wasn´t supposed to spent her time with autopsies. Not even in times like those. The ministry would have gone rampant. This way I went, but no one cared then. No one but Snape, but it was too late then. He had to go. Dreamless sleep potion helped me fighting the nightmares every night. I think I overdid it. They say that the human brain can only cope a certain time without dreams, then the mind goes mad.

I know that now. I think I would be a good neuromediwitch, if I hadn´t had enough of sliced brains for all my life. The worst time was when I was alone. Snape gone in the field, Pomfrey tending the living. I was left for the dead. At the end I talked to them. They were my friends and shared my worries. The living were to far away for me to touch, so the dead took care of me.

Oh, but no one knows. Snape and Pomfrey keep silent, god knows how Dumbledore managed. I don´t remember much, but Pomfrey seemed searing with white hot anger when he found me.

It´s all blurry now, but I recall Snape coming in shouting that we won the war. I think I was sitting in my favorite corner with my favorite corpse, one of the Creevey brothers, talking with it. It must have been a horrible sight, me sitting there, looking as rotten as my "friends". You know, hygiene wasn´t my favorite past time back then, and neither was going out. Instead my growing resistance to dreamless sleep potion had forced me to compose my own sleeping draught. It was like being in coma, though I didn´t dream. And I did some brain stimulates too, to speed my research up. My brain was seriously damaged I think. No muggle would have been able to save me. The wizards were, but I don´t know if I should thank them.

Thinking back I think he was pretty as angry as Pomfrey. He seemed to shout something, he sweared probably. The next thing I know was waking in St. Mungus. Being nuts. They still come to me at nights. My friends.

I overheard Snape saying it was a wonder I didn´t die. The neglected tend to do, because no one cares, and only chance got me out. And my work. Isn´t it ironic? The potion I invented to isolate the soul of Voldemort saved us all. Including me. But to accomplish that, losing my mind and bringing myself on the brink of death was also necessary.

Still, I am the guilty part. Why did you have to ruin the festivities? The question appears in their eyes sometimes. In Harry´s as often as in Ron´s. They don´t understand.

No one would believe me anyway. I am mad, goddammit. Nobody believes a madwoman.

So, you know the truth. No dramatic captivity in the Malfoy dungeons, no raping, no Death Eater Revel has befallen me. No rescue could turn anyone to a hero. My sacrifice was worthless. I lost the war at the home front. Against myself and Albus Dumbledore.

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