Chapter 13

Lunch was a relatively quiet affair. Eli did most of the talking. He was especially proud of the way his father read Torah at synagogue.

"He was perfect," Eli said in wide-eyed awe. Jon rolled his eyes, but beamed.

After the meal, Jon said to his son, "Eli, why don't you show Lev your toys again. I'm sure he wants to play with you."

Lev felt mildly irritated knowing that Jon was going to talk to Bill, but he was just too emotionally spent to protest. He dutifully followed Eli into his room, making sure he could not hear any part of the conversation.

"Let's go for a walk," Jon said to Bill.

They walked through the streets of Ba'ka for a while. Jon pointed out landmarks.

"I suppose you know everything," said Bill.

"No one ever knows everything," said Jon. He waited a moment. "I don't know what happened between you and Lev. He didn't say much."

"What happened to Lev in the Old City?" Bill asked.

Jon sighed. "I try not to think about it. Now it seems like it's all I can think about. It's... it's complicated."

"Did he get hurt there?" asked Bill.

"Physically no. Emotionally yes," said Jon. "It was when we lived in Jerusalem. It was me and him in Ba'ka and five other students from our school who lived across the city. We were all friends before, but because of Lev we became really tight.

"Do you know anything about Lev's family? Have you ever met them?" Jon asked.

Bill shook his head.

"They're interesting people. Very nice, but there's something a little screwy with them. Love is used like a bargaining chip. If you do what they want, they love you, and if not, then they freeze you out. They used that pressure on Lev throughout his life, and he was terrified at the thought of defying them. He was much different then. More timid, less self-assured.

"In college, he tried to break away. Israel was his chance to escape. He threw himself into the country, particularly Jerusalem. He even made plans for moving here. I've never to this day seen anyone need this place so much.

"Another problem was that he was dealing with being gay for the first time. He told me here. He had already told his family and they responded poorly. After every conversation with them he would say, ‘I'm so glad I'm moving here.' Jerusalem was a safe haven. Do you understand?"

Bill nodded.

"We loved to explore the Jewish Quarter of the Old City. It was always an adventure. Then there was a holiday, Shavuot, which came just after finals ended. We still had some time to enjoy the country. Lev planned on going to Prague and Rome.

"On Shavuot, the seven of us from school planned to meet at the Kotel, the Western Wall, and then eat lunch together. I prayed at the Wall on my own. Lev waited for me outside one of the buildings overlooking the Wall plaza. Our friends planned to meet us there. Do you know anything about the politics of the Wall?"

Bill shook his head.

"The Wall is the most sacred place to all Jews, the last remnant of the Temple. It's also a source of great contention. Who gets it? Who can pray there? Who's way is God's way? Currently, the ultra-Orthodox say what goes, and they've divided it up - a section for men and a separate, smaller section for women. Women's voices are not allowed to be heard. Men and women are forbidden to pray together. An egalitarian synagogue balked and took a stand. Everyone praying together, they marched into the plaza. They already knew what would happen.

"I was still praying at the Wall, surrounded by a sea of black coats and black hats. I only heard a little and saw nothing. The egalitarian service came. Before they could even approach the Wall, they were pelted with soda bottles, scraps of food, animal waste, even stones. No one fought back, and army guards came to protect them. Lev saw the entire thing. He ran. When our friends arrived, he never showed. We waited an hour and spent two more looking around the Jewish Quarter.

"When we found him, he was catatonic in his room. Book and papers were strewn all over, furniture was thrown around, and he was lying on his bed curled up, not moving. We had no idea what to do, so we called a hospital. Lev was there for two nights. Each of us stayed in shifts in case he awoke.

"We couldn't reach his parents. The day we did was the day he woke up. They wanted to come to Israel. He told them not to. The way he spoke to them, it was different. He was never disrespectful before. But he told them if they came he would disappear, and they would be alone in a strange country.

"He wouldn't talk about what happened, and being in Jerusalem made him intensely angry. He disappeared for a week; he said he went to a place in the desert. He refused to go to the Old City again and shuddered every time it was mentioned. His attitude changed completely; he couldn't wait to get back to America, and cancelled his trip to Europe. I guess he made peace with Jerusalem, but not with the Old City."

Bill was startled. "I never knew any of this," he said.

"I don't think anyone does," said Jon, "If I didn't see it, I wouldn't have known. None of his friends ever spoke to him about it."

"Why?" asked Bill.

"He was a different person when he returned. It was like talking to a wall."

"How was he different?" said Bill, "I don't understand."

"From the moment he came back to school the next year, it seemed like his aura had changed. Before he was shy, now he exuded self-confidence. His relationships with people changed for the worse. Outside of the few of us in Israel who knew him, he was incapable of making close friendships, or of letting people in. And people did try. He just never wanted anything to do with them. His attitudes changed too. Before, he was very afraid of putting himself on the line, particularly with sex. He wanted something deeper, but was too afraid to look. Before Israel, no one ever gave him a second glance. Now guys practically threw themselves at him, but to him they were only meaningless flings and he treated everyone with disdain. Yet guys never stopped trying."

Bill shifted uncomfortably. It suddenly made sense why Aaron Roth introduced them that night in the bar. He thought they were too alike not to meet. Bill remembered how he attracted he had been to Lev's calm self-assurance.

Jon continued. "I asked him once if there was any way he would ever get into a relationship. He laughed and said, ‘Only by magic.' I don't know what you did Bill, but it was the impossible."

Bill shrugged his shoulders. He thought about all the magic that Lev witnessed. But Lev knew wizards before Bill. Why was he different? And then he remembered the night where he danced with Lev outside the Burrow. Lev said, "It's all so magical." Bill had to fight back tears.

"I don't know what I did either," he whispered.

"Beneath that self-assuredness, he's a scared kid. He just hid it well. I saw it last week, and again last night. He's terrified of being vulnerable again and caring too much about something only to have it blow up in his face, so he's sabotaging a good thing."

"How do you know all this?" asked Bill.

"Did Lev tell you what I do?" said Jon. Bill shook his head.

"I'm a psychologist," said Jon, "I became one because of what happened with Lev. I didn't want to be helpless anymore."

"Jon," said Bill, "Which way is the Tayelet? I need to think. Alone."

Jon gave him the directions.

"Thank you," said Bill, "For everything." He walked away.