Chapter 6 - Imaginary
Don't say I'm out of touch
With this rampant chaos - Your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare - I built my own world to escape.
~ "Imaginary" by Evanescence
As the days passed I felt as if I were treading water. I fell into a frustrating routine, where I would teach, eat, study Severus' journal, then try to find more information on Juliet's Curse. I performed my required duties as a means to an end. But all I really wanted was to find more free time to comb through the library.
It was Saturday afternoon, and I had been eating my lunch in the Great Hall when Neville sat down next to me. I looked over and gave him a wan smile and resumed picking at my sandwich.
"Hello, Hermione. How are you?" he said cheerfully.
"To be honest, Neville, I've had a lot on my mind lately."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head and responded, "The last time I tried talking about it, Harry accused me of going barmy. So, I think I'll just figure it out, but thanks for asking."
Neville leaned in close to me and in a hushed voice continued speaking. "Harry told me about what happened last weekend. I think he should have at least tried to hear you out. If you want to talk about Professor Snape, I'd be happy to listen."
I considered Neville's offer for a few moments.
"Well, it would finally give me the opportunity to talk to someone and get some of this out of my head. But I also know Professor Snape wasn't your most favorite teacher either..."
"Hermione, he tried very hard to protect us. I was here, remember? I watched as he tried to run interference between us and the Carrows."
A lot of what I've been dealing with is theory... the rest is just my out of control emotions on the matter. Neville's a good friend; I'm sure he wouldn't judge. I hope this is more successful than my last attempt.
"Do you want to take a walk around the lake?"
"Okay," I answered.
He grabbed a few sandwiches and wrapped them in a napkin. After tucking them away in his robes, he nodded to me, and we stood and exited the hall.
We walked in companionable silence down to the Hogwarts Lake. When we finally stood on the water's edge, I stopped and turned to Neville.
"Muffliato. Neville, I really hate to do this to you but I'm going to need a Wizard's Oath that you won't discuss the contents of this conversation with anyone."
Without even questioning me, he swore to not repeat anything we were about to talk about. Satisfied that my privacy was ensured, I turned away and began walking around the perimeter of the lake.
"I don't know how much Harry told you but I'm going to start from the beginning," I said in a rush.
Neville nodded and extracted his sandwiches, preparing for the long haul.
So I told him everything. Starting with my disenchantment with the end of the war and my disgust with how everyone had been attempting to couple up. I expounded on my nightmares, explained my true reason for choosing Potions as my life path and how I ended up in Germany. Then I brought up my first day of classes and how I found Professor Snape's journal.
"I just can't get anywhere. I know what curse he used, but I'm at a loss for how I should proceed at this point," I said, exasperated.
After a period of silence Neville said, "Bloody hell, Hermione."
"Wonderful, you think I'm crazy too," I deadpanned.
"No! Of course not! I'm actually in awe of how you've been handling the whole situation. You've got this great big secret, and you're just puzzling it out. I... I understand why you didn't want me to be able to tell anyone," he said in awe.
"Oh! Thank Merlin!" I exclaimed. I felt like I wanted to cry; I was so relieved.
Neville smiled at me and then said, "Well, maybe you are a little crazy since you obviously want to molest him... but whatever makes you happy, Hermione."
I felt the heat creep up my neck and settle in my cheeks. I couldn't deny his joking though. So I simply settled on playfully punching him on the arm.
We shared a small laugh at my expense, but I wasn't angry that he had picked up on the underlying theme of the dreams I'd been having.
Neville quickly began speaking again to change the subject back to the real problem at hand.
"I had originally thought there was a chance he was still alive out there, but I never made a big deal out of my own speculations. The man was brilliant. Scary, but brilliant. If anyone could find a way to survive, it would be him," Neville said.
"You have no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that."
"Happy to help. Is there any chance he left more of his notebooks behind?"
"I've checked my quarters, the potions storeroom and my private lab for anything that looked inconspicuous. I found the journal completely by accident, obviously. The man is absolutely infuriating me with his vague references to what he was actually doing. I'm sure he wasn't planning on anyone reading his journal one day..." I trailed off, trying to think of somewhere I hadn't looked.
We walked a little further in silence while Neville munched on one of his sandwiches. After swallowing a bite, he asked, "How about the Headmistrees' office?"
"Oh, yeah, that would work... 'Hey, Minerva! I need to search your office for anything that might have once belonged to Professor Snape because I think he's still alive.' I don't think so," I said with sarcasm lacing my tone.
"Hmmm, good point," he said thoughtfully. "This really is a great mystery! Where do you think he is?"
"My first guess is his house since we couldn't find it. It must have been under a Fidelius Charm, and none of the Death Eaters Harry questioned had any answers, which tells me Professor Snape was most likely the Secret Keeper of his own home."
"But how would his body have gotten there if he was already under the effects of the curse?"
"Argh! I don't know! He didn't talk about his back-up plan or precautionary steps in the journal. All I know is that he's somewhere. Do you see what I mean about the situation being unbelievably frustrating?"
"Yes, without a doubt. Is there anything I can do?"
"I don't know. Listening to me has actually been helpful. I'm going to need to focus on finishing the journal to see if he answers any of our questions, and then I guess I'll go from there..."
"Sounds good. Keep me informed, okay?"
I turned and gave Neville a warm embrace. He patted me on the back awkwardly and said, "I hope you find him, Hermione."
"Thank you, Neville, for everything."
"It's no problem, Hermione," he said comfortingly as he released me.
I cancelled the privacy charm surrounding us, and we walked back to the main entrance of the school. Neville left me at the steps, and I watched as he headed off towards the greenhouses. I, on the other hand, had a mission to accomplish down in the dungeons.
I tried not to run back to my quarters. Talking to Neville had reignited my original purpose, and the only way I would solve this mystery would be to read the journal in earnest.
Journal in hand, I took my favorite seat in front of the fireplace and began to read.
14 Aug 1995
If it weren't for the fact that you were still alive at the time I would have to believe that the act of reincarnation is truly possible. I've found over the last four years that you don't simply haunt me through the eyes of your son and through my own mind.
There is a girl who would have been your ultimate rival for most-talented witch at Hogwarts. She's bright and bossy and I can't stand her. I try to avoid contact and ignore her as much as possible because of how much she makes me think of you.
You two look nothing alike, but when it comes to her actual personality... that's mostly a different story. She's a Muggle-born also and has an extreme inferiority complex. Although in the last few years that aspect has toned down mostly.
She's one of your son's best friends. They're always up to no good, and it seems as though I'm the one who ends up having to catch them or save them. I swear running around with those boys is going to get her killed, and in some small way it would be like losing you all over again.
While sitting in the kitchen at Headquarters, I was privileged to watch this girl open her start-of-term letter that held her Prefect's badge. The joy on her face was remarkable, even though she must have known they would choose her. It made me think of the summer you received yours... that last summer we were speaking.
Even though I try to stay away from her, the times I am around her I try to find differences between the two of you. The masses don't flock to her as they did you. From what I can tell, she has a bit of a reclusive nature but enjoys having a few close friends. She doesn't appear to need hordes of people to love and adore her and simply wants to feel as though she belongs here. Which I can understand completely...
There is a very small part of me that wants to talk to her. To tell her about the difficulty you experienced at first and assure her that it won't matter once she's left Hogwarts. But, like I said before, I really try not to interact with her. The added bonus being that the Dark Lord would kill me instantly for even bothering to counsel a Muggle-born Gryffindor...
"He... he noticed... he..." I stumbled.
Before I could really wrap my mind around what I had just read, a head popped into my fireplace.
"Hermione!" Harry called out harshly. "What is wrong with you? You made Neville take an oath of silence? This has gone on-"
"Harry James Potter!" I shouted back as I jumped out of my chair. "You've got a lot of nerve. If you want to have a row with me, you come over here and do it in person. Otherwise, I don't have time for this."
"Fine! I'm coming through."
His head disappeared from the flames only to be replaced by his whole body stepping out of the fireplace.
"You-"
"No. You're completely out of your mind asking Neville to talk to me, or shall I say spy on me. Since you decided to send someone to satisfy your own curiosity, of course I'm going to protect my privacy."
"This has gone too far, Hermione! He's DEAD! I can't be nice about this anymore; you're scaring me!"
Infuriated, I slammed Severus' journal down on the coffee table. I shot Harry a nasty look and pointed to it.
"NO! He's not, Harry! That's HIS journal, and what I was trying to tell you last week. He found a way to never die because he was afraid of eternal suffering for his past misdeeds. I have no idea where he is, which is what I've been sitting here trying to figure out!"
Harry paled. His head kept turning from staring at the journal to looking back at me.
Yeah, that's right. I'm not so nutters after all.
"Go ahead, Harry. See for yourself."
He reached down to pick it up and began flipping through the pages. After a few moments he gently closed the cover and placed it back on the table.
"I'm sorry, Hermione," he said earnestly. "That is definitely Severus Snape's journal. I would know... I got to see enough of his handwriting on my essays through the years..."
"Wonderful. I'm glad that you finally believe me. Please don't tell anyone though, Harry, I'm serious. I don't want a huge problem before I even find him. Just start trying to investigate what paperwork needs to be filed to make him not dead. That way when I do bring him back, it won't take forever."
"I can do that. Hermione, I-"
"Stop, Harry, please. I appreciate the apology and all, but I really want to get back to my work. I'll Floo you later, okay?"
Harry nodded solemnly, turned and exited my quarters the same way he entered without another word.
After Harry left, I resumed reading. I read and read, stopping only to eat and use the facilities. Around nine o'clock I finally read the entry that held the clue I had desperately been trying to find.
27 Jun 1996
I woke up in the infirmary again. I never remember getting here, and I always manage to lose entire days to my healing. The Dark Lord was not pleased regarding the events that took place at the Department of Mysteries a few days ago and subsequently tortured me and a few others. I knew it was coming, but having to stomach the bouts of Crucio, beatings and torture is just too much at times.
It's also frustrating knowing that I might be able to just die out there, after they drop me off at the gates. Then it might stop; I'm not necessarily prepared for the end of my life, but at least the torment would finally be over. But of course Dumbledore has found a way to control that too.
I wish Poppy would stop trying to mother me. I appreciate her expertise, but bloody hell, she fusses constantly. You would think she didn't have any students that need to be looked after with the amount of time she spends checking in on me...
I didn't need to read any further because I knew where my former professor was, or at least who would know.
I jumped out of my chair and tossed the few texts I had in my possession that mentioned Juliet's Curse, plus the journal into a small messenger bag.
In an attempt to save time I rushed to the fireplace and threw some Floo powder into the flames.
"Madam Pomfrey's office!"